Destructive Attitudes in Marriage
Marriage is hard. It’s hard when everything seems to be going well and things are good. It’s harder when things aren’t quote clicking on all cylinders like we would want it to be. Often, the struggles in marriage can be attributed to certain attitudes about your spouse. Each of these attitudes essentially place the blame for your own issues onto your spouse rather than you taking responsibility for what is yours to control. The thing is, it is not your spouse’s fault. That isn’t to say that there won’t be times of let down, or hurt that are legitimate things and your spouse should apologize. However, many many disagreements and much friction in a marriage finds its root in one of these attitudes, or a combination of multiple. Putting these sort of expectations on your spouse creates an imbalance in what is meant to be an equal partnership. Take a look at these attitudes and see if any of them are a part of your thinking.
If my spouse would just ________ then I could be happy
Now, the blank can be a lot of things. It can, and often is, filled in with multiple items. It is a sort of checklist of things your spouse has to do, or accomplish, in order for you to be happy. Your spouse may do quite the job of keeping up with things for a season. But what happens once your spouse fails to do one of the things on the list? You have tied your own satisfaction and happiness to their accomplishments. You have placed it outside of yourself into something that is bound to fail at some point because it relies on humanity. Besides, happiness is a temporary thing that comes and goes in life with circumstances. Your real pursuit is joy and true joy comes from the Lord. Basing your feelings on a circumstantial list laid upon your spouse’s shoulders will eventually lead to defeat. Your spouse can’t bear the weight of that. Rather, look to God for joy and make intentional effort to serve your spouse without expecting anything in return.
My spouse doesn’t do _________ enough
Every household has a task list of some sort. Think in terms of household chores and such. Much of the list is assumed and many couples don’t spend much time communicating about the list. It can be easy to focus on the things that your spouse is not doing out of the list rather than what is being done. A lot can be solved with good basic communication with each other. But allowing the thought that your spouse is not doing enough will breed a pseudo-victimhood mentality. Soon you will think you are the only who cares about the relationship, the house, the kids, etc… Try focusing on what is being done. Make a conscious choice to take note of what your spouse is doing, rather than not. Are you expressing gratitude for those things? Why focus on the things not happening while ignoring all the things that are? It could also be time to reevaluate that list. As you grow and change over the years things might need to change a bit as well.
My spouse doesn’t care about _________
It can be easy to assume things when poor communication plagues your marriage. Maybe your spouse didn’t catch your subtle hint. Maybe something you had agreed upon was forgotten. Maybe there was a commitment to change that hasn’t panned out. Maybe it is just that your spouse isn’t as much of a fan as something as you are. It is unlikely that you and your spouse are going to care about certain things exactly the same way. And it isn’t healthy to try and subtly, or blatantly, manipulate your spouse into acting or thinking certain ways. The differences between the two of you are the things that make you strong as a couple. It is a good thing to engage in each other’s areas of interest and support one another. But don’t equate that with whether your spouse loves you. Instead, seek to know and understand your spouse. Communicate with each other. Clearly. Honestly. Are there other things going on that is taking attention away? Frustrations at work? Pressure? Worries? Walking through these things together will grow intimacy in your marriage.
My spouse made me feel ___________
Maybe anger? Hurt? Ashamed? The blank could be a lot of things. And this statement is not to nullify the idea that your spouse may have said something incorrect, inappropriate, or hurtful to you. But the reality is that nothing your spouse does or says can really make you feel anything. The emotions become a response, and you can control your responses. You can’t control what your spouse feels, says, or does. Again, not that there isn’t justification for feeling hurt. But to push things as if it is the other who is making you feel that way will create defensiveness. Perhaps your spouse was late to a special dinner. You might react with anger, or hurt, and feel justified in it. But are you? It is more that the situation has brought the feeling rather than your spouse. You can recognize that you feel hurt by what happened, but to say your spouse is responsible for it will damage your relationship. Talk through what happened. Focus on the problem, not your spouse. You will find that you are better able to solve things with the focus on the correct thing. Don’t blame and accuse. Stop, listen, and seek to understand.
A consistent key through all of these things is good communication. It doesn’t have to be perfect communication, but take the time to work on your skills in this area. Don’t read this and consider all of the ways your spouse is doing these things to you. That won’t solve anything. Take a look at your own patterns and behavior in your marriage. Where are these attitudes showing up for you? Think of how you can remove these attitudes from your own actions and you will begin to see greater things in your relationship.