In a Marriage Slump?
No one wants to find themselves in a slump. In professional sports a slump is a bad bad thing, and there are slumps hiding around every corner there. From pitching, to hitting, to completion percentage, to allowing sacks, to three point shooting, and all the others no one wants to find themselves in a slump. What about your marriage? Is your marriage in a slump? Are you finding yourselves living and acting more like roommates than intimate partners? Every marriage goes through seasons and with changes happening it can be easy to slip into a slump in your marriage relationship. You stop communicating as often, and as well. You are on edge with each other and jump into conflict easily. The spark hasn’t sparked in a while and you might be wondering if the spark will even spark again. Getting out of the slump takes some effort and work. It starts with acknowledging, maybe only to yourself at first, that you are in one. Bring it into the light. From there, here are steps you can take to get out of the slump.
Focus on the good
In a slump the focus often turns to what is wrong, or what bothers you. You look at your spouse instead of yourself. When fighting a marriage slump take time to intentional focus on the things that are good. What does your spouse do on a regular basis? Look at the little things. Stop and look at the things your spouse is doing from a different perspective. Maybe you are misreading the intention behind it. What are the good things going on with your family, work, or community. It can be easy to hone in and focus on what you don’t have at the moment and miss all of the things that you do have. The idea here isn’t to make up positive that isn’t there. There might be real issues that the two of you need to work through together. But don’t let the small annoyances dominate your thinking about the state of marriage. Look for the good things. The small things. The everyday things that you might have started to take for granted. You will begin to change your mindset towards your spouse. And that will start the movement out of the slump.
Make quality time for each other
Life gets busy. Really busy. With kids in school, sports, and activities plus the additional expectations of social life, work life, and family life it can be very difficult to find time to be together. That is quality time, not just presence in the same general area. Sitting on the same couch does not necessarily denote quality time. Sexual intimacy also does not necessarily denote quality time either. Quality time is time spent with your attention on each other, communicating, listening, and being real with each other. The busyness of life and marriage can suck all you time away and keep you from growing well together. it is vital you make time for each other. You might have to be creative in how you accomplish it. Maybe it is an intentional time with no devices and no distractions after the kids are in bed. Maybe it is a regular night out together. Maybe it is a “date day” where you go and grocery shop and run errands together. Make an adjustment to eat dinner together as a family 3-4 evenings a week. Sit at the table. Play games together. Intentional quality time together will break the roommates cycle in your marriage.
Communicate
This subtitle should probably read communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep talking and listening. If you have realized that you are in a marriage slump you need to talk well about it. Talking well about something is communicating without blaming the other, and listening well to what your spouse is saying. Not reacting, but thoughtfully responding and seeking clarity. If you are in a slump the two of you need to communicate about it. Try to be honest about how you found yourselves there and how you can work together to get out of it. One talk won’t get you out of the slump. Continue to check in with each other. Keep talking and working. Don’t give up. Keep at it. Your marriage is worth fighting for. As you both communicate to each other you may find that there are some things that you have been doing, or not doing, that you need to change or adjust to. Don’t look at communicating together as a chance to air grievances. Own what is your responsibility to own. Seek forgiveness when you are in the wrong. Above all else, seek to love your spouse fully.
Keep dating
Or, start dating again. Make it happen. Going out on dates together is quality time together, but quality time is not just going out on dates. Keep dating each other in your marriage. The temptation once you are married is to stop trying to woo your spouse because, well, you have been successful in the wooing because you are married now. Don’t stop learning about each other. Keep going out together. Keep the dates a regular part of your relationship. Make a babysitter and date night a part of your monthly budgeting. It is worth the money for the two of you to get out together on a date with some sort of regularity. It doesn’t have to be weekly, but it shouldn’t be only yearly. Can’t get a sitter? Plan a date night in. Make a special dinner and plan for your spouse. As you and your spouse mature over the course of your marriage you will go through changes. Who the two of you are at 20 years of marriage will not be, and should not be, who you were at 1 year of marriage. That is normal and good. You are growing together and keeping a regular series of dates together will help give you time and space to keep learning about each other. That intentional time will build deep and lasting intimacy together and continued intimacy is a wonderful barrier to enduring a marriage slump.
There is always hope for your marriage. And if you are finding yourself in a marriage slump these are wonderful steps to take to get out of the slump. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight. But the commitment is worth it to see your marriage begin to thrive again. Marriages will find themselves fighting slumps all throughout. If you are not in a slump right now then these steps will help you prevent a slump from occurring. The sooner you are honest about the state of your marriage, the sooner you can begin fighting your way out of it together.