Barriers to Listening Well
Communication is the vital foundation to pretty much every positive relationship you have. It is especially important in your marital relationship and the crux of communication is learning to listen well to each other. But, like all aspects of life there are barriers that we allow to fester in our in behaviors that will impact our ability to listen well to our spouse, to our co-workers, our direct reports, etc… For now, let’s look at these barriers in the context of you and your spouse. It is pretty hard to develop intimacy with your spouse without intentionally learning to listen well. These barriers are not one-sided, or only pertaining to one side of the marriage. Both husbands and wives can allow these barriers to develop in their lives. Sometimes they will come and go. Sometimes they can be drawn out and symptoms of a much larger problem at hand. Take time to read through these following barriers and look at your own life to see where they might have crept in.
Before you embark on these barriers there is a fair warning you need to hear. Or read, as the case might be. Do not read this with the anticipation of figuring out what is wrong with your spouse. That isn’t the point. And if you are doing that, stop right now and repent. Read this from the view of seeking to be a better spouse. That’s it. No blame games. Learn to own and control what is yours to own and control. If you are not being a perfect spouse then you have no right to expect your significant other to be perfect. And here is a tip: you aren’t perfect. Get over yourself and be better.
Misalignment
There are a lot of alignment things in marriage. And, frankly, there are plenty the two of will align on and not align on. There are things you think are super important that the other doesn’t. It works both ways. But both of you desire to be heard even in the small or seemingly unimportant things. Not listening during everyday conversations will build into not listening when it is far more important of you to have your ears open. Listening takes intention. And intention can be difficult when all sorts of things are running through your mind. But those things are not more important than your spouse. Think about developing a reset trick for yourself. A way that you can pause and clear all those other things out of your head. True listening means you are able to repeat back what your spouse is sharing with you in summary form and to ask deeper questions to make sure you are understanding correctly. If your priorities are misaligned from the moment you will miss the chance to grow the intimacy of your marriage.
Poor boundaries/margin
Lack of margin is one of the biggest intimacy killers in marriage, not just as a barrier to you listening to your spouse. There are seasons of life that no matter what you do it will feel rushed and hurried, especially when the two of you have children who are active in sports and activities. But if you find yourself regularly checking work email and messages at night when you should be talking to your spouse there is a brewing problem. That sort of thing should be the exception instead of the norm. Poor boundaries erode your ability to give proper focus to listening to your spouse. You are limited. You can’t do it all. No one can. The seasons of life where you are both running kids around and just trying to stay up with everything are times you have to slow down, pause things, and give intentional time to each other. Dedicate time to each other to just sit and be together. You might fall asleep but it will be worth it for your marriage.
Burnout
Above the statement was made that every person has limits. That is a fact of life. No one can do everything all at once. No one. In many ways multitasking is an illusion. Burnout is a reality for far too many people today. Burnout is physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion because of living without limits. This exhaustion will make listening nearly impossible for you. And that is a horrible place to be. Living at this level of activity for a length of time will impact every area of your life and lead to making incredibly poor choices as well. There are times in work and life where you have to push a little bit and overextend yourself a bit. But prolonged overextension will lead to failure in life. If you are facing burnout, or seeing it on the horizon, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse about what is happening. Bringing it into the light will help you begin to take steps to stop it in your daily activity. It will also help your spouse see what is going on inside of you and better engage with you.
Communication language/style
Chances are, you married someone kind of the opposite of you. Every person has a fairly unique blend of personality, giftedness, experiences, and the like that all come together to make them who they are. No one profile is inherently better than the other. And it is likely that you and your spouse are opposites because as blasé the old saying is; opposites really do attract. The two of you speak about the same thing but with two different styles and languages. If the two of you are in a disagreement you will both approach it much differently. And that difference probably causes some misunderstanding and friction. Your initial evaluation of things will be different because you look at different things about the topic. You aren’t wrong, or dysfunctional. You are normal everyday human beings. You just communicate differently. Now that you realize that, go and learn your spouse’s language, style, and personality. Spend time on it. Give it your focus and time. Stop and ask questions. Don’t ride the conflict cycle again. Stop and seek to understand the other. Seek the why behind it all. Not only will you learn to listen and communicate better together, but your intimacy together will skyrocket.
Your marriage is nothing about which to be lazy. Lazy marriages fail. And you are not a failure. To build trust, intimacy, and connection in your marriage you are going to have to work at it. And working at it means that you will get some things right and some things wrong. When you get it wrong, own up to it and ask how you could have done better. There will be times that are more difficult than others to focus and do it. But every ounce of effort you put into learning to listen well to your spouse and eliminate the barriers to it will be worth it. In time you will see the two of you grow closer than you could ever imagine and so many things begin to smooth out at that point. Do the hard work now to make things easier later.