The Difficult Realities of Marriage: Part 6
These series of articles are looking at the difficult realities that every marriage faces. Over the past several articles we have looked at money, communication, expectations, and sexual intimacy. Seems like those last three issues are regularly intertwined in marriage. And their entanglement often creates difficult realities that must be navigated. Again, marriage is not all sunny days. There are seasons. Ebbs and flows. Good times and bad times. Some times are the worst of times. The goal here is not to make you think that the fairytale of marriage is a myth, or impossibility. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God has given us. It is just really really hard work. There are difficult realities that every marriage faces. Yes, EVERY marriage faces. It is vital that you anticipate things and recognize that you have the tools to walk through these things when they show up. And they will show up. This article moves on to the next topic deals with disagreements. Chances are that if there are money issues, poor communication, unmet expectations, and/or some sexual tension there just might be some disagreements. It may feel like a married couple in love should never fight. That just isn’t reality. Disagreements are inevitable. The impact they have on your relationship is up to you both.
Internal/External
Start with how a disagreement is processed. In a general sense these things are either thought through internally or externally. An internal processor is going to cycle through scenarios, consequences, and all sorts of other things in silence. Space is needed to think. An external processor wants to have all the same things happen but out loud instead of in silence. Somehow, like many other opposite traits, these two people end up married to each other. The internal processor can end up spending too much time wrapped inside and overthink. The external processor can overwhelm the other with forcible discussion that isn’t thought through. Both need to understand what the other’s method of processing is and accept it. Your spouse isn’t wrong for processing things differently than you. Maybe you need to let your spouse have space to think through things before working through the disagreement. Maybe you need to recognize the need of your spouse to talk through something in order to understand things. In time you will both find yourselves working through potentional problems before they turn into big disagreements.
Point of View
This point has been made in several places over the course of these articles. You walk into any conversation, positive or negative, with a bias. You have a point of view. You do not enter anything unbiased. You have baggage. You have experiences. You hav past disagreements that might still color your thinking even though you swear up and down that you have forgiven for it. It is just reality. So, when it comes to navigating a disagreement in your marriage, make it a top priority to identify the point of view of your spouse in a loving way. Not in order to attack it, but to understand clearly why your spouse feels that way. Acknowledge and accept that you are bringing one into the talk as well and above all else be willing to be wrong. Because you just might be the one who is wrong.
Seek to Understand
Again, stated before. Alluded to above. Navigating the reality of disagreeing in marriage demands that you both seek to understand each other and the grounding of why there is a disagreement. Not in anger, but in love. You can’t move towards a solution if you don’t understand what you are solving. And, yes, you can split way too many hairs in this step. You can over think all of it and over process and over pursue. You don’t seek to understand until you spouse is frustrated with you. And you don’t seek to understand so you can tell your spouse why they are wrong for thinking that way. You are seeking to understand because you love your spouse and want to grow the intimacy the two of you have. You do it out of love.
Is the Subject Really the Subject?
As the two of you grow together in marriage and walk through disagreements in a healthy fashion don’t be surprised if you start to realize that what you think is the subject of the disagreement is not actually the subdued tof the disagreement. Oftentimes, disagreements grow out of a deeply held past hurt, frustration, or harm that took place years and years ago that may not have anything to do with you. But it still shows up. It is triggered by something, or someway, that you interact with your spouse. It is even possible it stems from some past abuse. So the disagreement isn’t really because you forgot to wash your plate after a snack. It’s just that it triggered some other deeply held hurt. In those times, calling a timeout and working through that past hurt is vital. And it may not be something you can do easily. It will take time, grace, and patience. And probably more grace. And more grace after that.
Everyone wants marriage to be all rainbows, kittens, and never-ending sunshine. It is not going to be that, but learning to work together through disagreements when they come can help there be more rainbows than storms. Disagreements are inevitable in your marriage. Don’t run from them, or refuse to deal with them. Taking a “head in the sand” approach will only damage your intimacy. Taking the time to work through them when they come will build your intimacy and bring greater strength to your marriage.