A Reflection on 27 Years
As I sit here to write this, it is my wife and my 27th wedding anniversary. Looking back now we were so young and clueless in so many ways. Perhaps that is exactly what it should be for people. If you wait until you think you are ready, or have it all figured out, you may very well never get to the point where you think you are ready. But, I digress. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. I can still take you to the spot on the college campus where we first met, first kissed, and the first, “I love you.” After these 27 years there are a few things I would share about marriage. It is hardly an attempt to claim we have it all figured out, or that we have mastered the relationship of husband and wife. Nonetheless, here are some reflections on 27 years together.
We are not the same people we married
The fact that we aren’t the same people as 27 years ago is a good thing. The reality of it is that over the course of marriage you will both be several different people. You should both be growing and maturing. As you go through the seasons of life your perspective, wisdom, attitude, and all sorts of things should mature and grow in that time. I am thankful to not be the same 21 year old I was then. As the Bible tells us, gray hair is a sign of wisdom. At least, it should be. As we have grown and walked through the ups and downs of life I have found myself wanting to be a better husband for her.
We don’t complete each other
We all love the fairy tale ending of happily ever after. It just takes a lifetime of effort and work to get there. No matter what Jerry McGuire says, we don’t complete each other. We compliment each other, but we certainly don’t complete each other. We are complete and whole in Christ. And we are free to fully love and adore each other without having to look to the other for our joy and completion. By understanding that we are complete in our Creator we are freed to utilize our strengths, gifts, and abilities to encourage and love each other. I am better able to love her unconditionally because I am not looking for her to fill a void, or gap, in my own life that only God can actually fill. Looking to God for completion frees us to pour into each other from the overflow of our vertical relationship with Christ.
Intimacy is more than sex
Sex is great. Don’t get me wrong. But the intimacy of marriage is so much more than just sex. Perhaps, a most often overlooked and ignored verse in the Bible is the one that says, “And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.”* The longer I live in marriage, the longer I read the Bible and study, the more convinced I get that this verse is telling us that Adam and Eve saw each other fully with nothing covering the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of their bodies and everything else and they were not ashamed of each other or their own self. They were fully and completely exposed to each other and they loved each other. That is true and real intimacy. Seeing each other’s faults, differences, and not so firm sections any longer and still loving each other. That is real intimacy. You can truly be yourself, with all your faults and inabilities, and trust that your spouse is still going to love you and be there for you.
Over the years we have laughter, we have cried, we have yelled, we have apologized, and we have loved. Not always perfectly, and not always well. But marriage really isn’t a moment, or a feeling. Marriage is a trust and a commitment to work through the things that life brings to you together, whether good or bad. Looking back over 27 years I recognize that the less than ideal times have made us who we are and have made the best of times that much better. There is still a long path to walk and lots to learn about ourselves and each other. But it is at the end of that path, that lifetime together, that we will have truly made a marriage.
* Genesis 2:25 NASB 2020