The Difficult Realities of Marriage: Part 3

Previously, we looked at two more difficult realities of marriage which are communication and expectations. These two go together like peas and carrots. Forrest and Jenny. Again, marriage is not all sunny days. There are seasons. Ebbs and flows. Good times and bad times. Some times are the worst of times. The goal here is not to make you think that the fairytale of marriage is a myth, or impossibility. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God has given us. It is just really really hard work. There are difficult realities that every marriage faces. Yes, EVERY marriage faces. It is vital that you anticipate things and recognize that you have the tools to walk through these things when they show up. And they will show up. This article will look at how a married couple can facilitate communication about expectations together in a healthy way.

Start Well

Hopefully, premarital counseling was a part of your engagement experience. And even more hopefully, if it was a part, then it was really good counseling that took you through communication basics and expectations you might bring into that marriage. Starting well means you and your spouse have discussed all the various roles that might take place in the union. We’re talking nitty gritty here. Everything. EVERYTHING. From who takes the trash out to the street to who cooks dinner to who pays the bills to who cleans and how often. Go back to that skew from communication. Growing up, you watched these roles be handled within your own family. You probably didn’t see every single discussion related to them or decision-making conversation. But you saw who did what. Naturally, you would enter marriage with some sort of preconceived framework for who will do what in your own marriage. So, starting well would mean that you spent time together before marriage communicating your expectations about who would do what things. These discussions would continue throughout marriage as things change and you grow. Tasks might change, or be shared in a different way. It is as simple as sitting down and making a list of every possible task that you might have to do in the course of a day, week, month, and year. Name it all. Have fun with it. Laugh. Then sit down and talk through who would do what.

But Not In…

Chances are, you didn’t start well. Just kinda thought everything would fall into a natural rhythm and you would just stare googly-eyed at each other all day. That bubble burst pretty quick though. So you need to talk through together in a healthy fashion what the expectations are in your marriage. But just don’t try to do it in:

Anger - it will never work. It won’t. Don’t do it. Talk before it hits a point of anger. An angry outburst will quell any possibility of a positive response from your spouse. An angry retort right back will be more likely, or your spouse will shut down and refuse to talk about it.

Frustration - the throes of frustration won’t help things either. Again, waiting until the emotional response is overwhelming will not lead to a healthy conversation.

Blame - pointing a finger and saying,”You, you, you…” will create an immediate defensiveness. It starts the conversation off the wrong way and will give it far less of a chance of being worked through.

Arrogance - don’t start from the insistence that you are right no matter what. Maybe things are not the way they seem. Maybe there is something else going on. Determination from the beginning to just be right won’t solve any issue.

Hey, Can We Talk?

It’s pretty scary to try and start up a meaningful conversation about issues that are taking place in your marriage. But this sort of talk is intimacy building. It is the right kind of hard for both of you to grow together towards maturity. But there are some important ground rules to communicating about expectations. The reality of it is that you may very well have to schedule the conversation. The worst time to try and talk about expectations is when one of you is upset about unmet expectations. But if you don’t talk about expectations neither of you will ever meet them. So take the chance and start the conversation. Follow these rules to make it a productive time.

Fully Present

You both have to be fully engaged in the conversation. Don’t be on your phone. Don’t watch TV. If at all possible remove all distractions from the conversation. Don’t think about other things while your spouse is talking. Be totally there for your spouse. Don’t turn away. Don’t cross your arms. Utilize eye contact, but not crazy stalker eye contact. You may not like the topic of conversation but you owe each other to be present for it.

Listen Fully

Along with being fully present you must both give full attention. Listen fully and completely to what your spouse is sharing. Don’t interrupt. Don’t be planning your next retort in your head. Slow down everything and listen to each other. The only reasons, perhaps, an interruption can happen is if there is something you didn’t hear. Listen intently to understand.

Seek Clarity

Once you have listened fully to what is shared, take time to respond back with what you understand as being communicated. Seek to make sure it is clear to you and that you really hear what your spouse is sharing. Is there a part that you don’t understand, or are confused about? Take time to share what that is and seek to get a better understanding of what is being shared. 

Forgive

There might be a need to both seek forgiveness and give forgiveness in the conversation. If that is the case, do it. Don’t withhold it. Don’t use it as a bargaining tool. Once forgiveness is given don’t hold that issue against your spouse any longer. To bring it back up, or to harbor that frustration still in your heart, reveals that true forgiveness hasn’t taken place.

Do Better

Kinda simple but true. Don’t commit to making changes that you aren’t going to follow through on. Do better. Seek to do things differently. Chances are that you will both fail each other again. But you both should be seeking to do better each time.

Following these guidelines will help tremendously as you communicate together in your marriage about expectations. These two realities of marriage cause all sorts of difficult situations and realities, but you can work together to keep them from derailing your relationship. Now, there is one area of expectations that takes up a great deal of space and is another often difficult reality to navigate. And that is sexual intimacy. That is coming up in the next article.