Being Dad
The calling of fatherhood is one of the most rewarding yet most difficult things in the world. Any man can be a father. It takes a lifetime to be dad. There is plenty of research out there that tells the importance the role of a present father plays in the lives of both sons and daughters. It is tough to see a child having to grow up without the presence of a loving father in the home. It is just as tough to see a child growing up with a father in the home who isn’t loving or really present with his kids.
Maybe your father wasn’t around. Maybe your father took his disappointments with his own life out on you. Maybe your father put unfair and unreal expectations on you. You can choose to live bitter as a victim, or you can choose to step out of and past those things. No one is saying that will be easy, but it is worth it. You break the unhealthy cycles of the past by recognizing that you are not defined by how your father acted in the past. You get to work, learn, and be a great father now. You will fail. You will disappoint. You will not get everything just right. That’s okay, because your kids need to see all of those things and see how you maintain your faith through all of them. The good news is that there are a few things every man can do as a father to be dad.
Give unconditional love
Don’t make your child perform for you to say you love them, or that you are proud of them. Now, don’t read that every little thing has to be celebrated either. Teaching your kids that there will be times of winning and times of losing is vital. It is more vital that they know they are loved by you whether they are winning or losing. They will test your patience. They will not listen. When they turn about 14 you will suddenly become the dumbest person they know. Love them anyway and love them well. Create standards and accountability. When they fail, help them learn from it and grow. But don’t tie your pride and love to them winning a game, completing a task, getting a good grade, or any other performance. Love them the way God loves you.
Love enough to discipline well
It might seem counterintuitive but appropriate discipline demonstrates love to your child. Appropriate boundaries display love and care. One of the greatest things to teach your children is that there are consequences to actions. These consequences can be good or bad, but they should never be run from. Discipline should be appropriate to the action and never make a discipline decision in anger. Don’t threaten something you are unwilling to follow through on, and if you threaten it be prepared to deal with it. The key word in all of this is “appropriate.” As your child grows, you can loosen the boundaries a bit and give them more leeway in their choices. Loving them well means helping them build discipline into their lives.
Own your mistakes
Being a father doesn't mean you are always right. You will make mistakes. You will yell in a moment of frustration. You will get angry when you shouldn’t. Life, work, and everything else have plenty of pressures. When you get it wrong, admit it. Model a willingness to own your own mistakes. Take responsibility where you need to and do it with your kids. “Because I said so” is rarely a good reason for anything. Owning your own mess ups will set a standard and model for them to do the same. It is incredibly hard to mature and grow if you can’t admit you are wrong about something.
Create fun memories
There will always be things. There will always be the latest toy, gadget, or device. Your kids don’t have to own them all. Better yet, have them save up their own money to get some of those things. Make intentional times where you create memories together. From small things and events to really incredible moments purposefully have fun with them. Surprise them with a water balloon fight, preferably outside. Go to new places you haven’t seen before for vacations. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. The memories created will last a lifetime. Driving to your destination and see a sign for the world’s biggest ball of yarn? Stop. Check it out. Have fun. As adults, your kids will remember these things rather than the stuff.
One of the greatest things you can do as a father is to be around other fathers. Don’t try to “dad” in isolation. Chances are, those guys are dealing with the same issues and talking with each other will help with great insight. If at all possible, have some older fathers in that group. They probably dealt with the same things you are facing. Learn from them. Being dad is huge and it is worth every second.