Welcome to the Family

We have been blessed with three sons in our family. Interestingly enough, both my brother and sister only had sons as well. Even more so, until my cousin had a daughter, all of my generational line on my mom’s side of the family had sons. So, my mom’s mom had 13 great grandsons and 1 great granddaughter. But, enough of that. We are blessed with 3 sons. What we are not going to spend on weddings we are spending on car insurance. And now, one of those boys is getting married. She said yes! Of course, there was reasonable belief that would be the case. But still, until it is said there is always that little bit in there. Anyway, a daughter is coming into our family. A daughter-in-law. Merging two families can be and is a pretty nerve-wracking event. It doesn’t have to be that way though. There are ways to make it easier.

Perspectives

All of us have a bias. Don’t think of that as a prejudicial bias, or a largely negative slant. The point is that we have a lens through which we view everything. That lens is a product of a number of things.

Upbringing…

Faith…

Failures…

Community…

Family history…

The incoming member of the family has a lens too. And there is a pretty good chance that the lens is different from yours. Could be a lot of difference. Maybe not too much. But there will be differences. Give grace and room to learn about that perspective. Love before blame. 

Holidays are Difficult - Don’t Make Them Worse

That same perspective comes with a holiday plan. Thanksgiving and Christmas. But you can even add in birthdays and anniversaries. That other family had traditions and expectations. It is a lot of pressure to figure it out. Don’t try to maintain your personal tradition, or just expect the new couple to cave to your demands. Find a way to share them and be understanding about it. The point of raising kids is to send them out into the world to lead their own families. More about that later. If the new couple spends Thanksgiving with you then make sure they spend Christmas with the other. If everyone is in the same town then still be okay with it. Don’t force the holiday hustle on them. They don’t need to be pushed to go to multiple houses to celebrate. There will be a lot to figure out for holidays. Don’t make it all harder on them by pushing your own agenda.

Listen Only

This topic needs a little bit of clarification perhaps. And it might even be that you disagree. Every marriage faces hiccups. Bumps. Difficulties. It is going to happen. Depending on the relationship you have with your child it is likely that he/she just might come to you as a parent to talk about things and frustrations. By the way, one of the most important pieces of advice to give to a newly married couple is to not go share frustrations with their spouse to your parents. As Maverick was told many times:

Negative ghost rider the pattern is full.

If your child comes to share frustrations with you. Listen. But that’s it. Don’t assume. Don’t blame. Don’t judge. Don’t do any of it. Listen only. And at the end tell them to share that with their spouse and to seek to solve the problem together. 

Love the Same

If you are welcoming a daughter-in-law then love her like you would your own daughter. A son-in-law? Then love him like your own son. Truly welcome them into the family. Make them a part of your family traditions. Make them a part of things. Don’t leave them at arms length. Love them well. Love them like you would your own child. Give grace. Give accountability. Give mercy. Give wisdom. Share your recipes. Share your knowledge. Share yourself and your story. Apologize when you need to. Forgive always. Pray for them regularly. Believe the best about them. 

Cut the Strings

Genesis tells us that at creation God declared that man and woman would leave and cleave on to each other. Marriage is meant to be a leaving of your family and a deliberate clutching of your souls together to unite into a new family. Of course, this doesn’t mean abandonment of family, but a beautiful new branch to bring forth new fruit and beautiful blooms. As parents, we have to “cut the apron strings.” Let them leave. Let them figure things out. Let them work to make their lives together better. If you choose to help in some way then do it with no strings attached. Set boundaries and keep them. Those boundaries might have to be for your own involvement but set them none the less.

Welcoming a new member to the family can be stressful, but it doesn’t have to be. You were once a new member too. Think about how you can make that transition easier. Be open to new things, ideas, and traditions. Above all, open your heart to the new member of the family. You aren’t losing a child. You’re gaining a family.