The Vital Skill of Listening in Marriage
Married couples regularly underestimate the value of not just good, but great, communication in their marriage relationship. Communication underscores any truly successful marriage. At the heart of a great many of the disputes a married couple will face is poor communication. Poor communication is often traced back to unexpressed expectations, or a lack of clarity in that communication. However, when the husband or the wife in the marriage have a poor skill of listening, poor communication is sure to follow. Listening well to your spouse will create a positive feeling to your marriage and it will help your spouse feel heard, loved, valued, and important to you. Communication is far more than just good presentation, but it is a two-fold exercise between that and listening well. And in all likelihood you should spend far more time listening than speaking. Here are four tips to help you become a better listener in your marriage.
Listen all the way through
A regular occurrence in marital communication is the spouse not listening through to the end of the story/problem. You might interrupt in an effort to connect into the issue, or you jump in with a quick solution. There are lots of reasons you might do this, but it is poor listening. Speaking too soon, trying to immediately solve the problem, or even drifting off while the other person is speaking shows a lack of respect, love, and makes the conversation about yourself. It takes away from the exchange and intimacy is lost between the couple. If failing to listen through continues over a long period intimacy could be severed completely and the couple will just be roommates basically. Jumping into the conversation without hearing the end will leave you without important parts of the story and only a partial understanding of what happened. To listen well you need to listen fully. Direct your attention to your spouse. Don’t think about other things, or what you will say next. Focus on what is being shared. Once your spouse has finished, pause and take a moment to respond. Your response should be a summary of what you just heard. Seek to clarify anything you are unsure of and ask if your summary understanding is correct.
Listen to understand
Listening to understand requires patience and focus. Admittedly, there are times when this sort of listening is easier than others. Listening well means, regardless of how you are feeling at the moment, you stop, give your full attention, put your phone down, and listen whole-heartedly to your spouse. There might be times when you simply can’t offer that. In those moments say that and give a timeframe when you will be able to listen the way you want to listen. Your spouse often wants to be heard above all else. Listening to give your opinion of a solution does not honor your spouse and you will lose trust. Listen to understand what is happening and what might be at the heart of the issue. Listening to understand leads you to ask clarifying questions once you have heard the whole story. Summarizing back what you heard and seeking clarity shows that you have given you full attention all the way through so that you have an understanding of what is being communicated. Understanding what is being communicated and showing affirmation for what is being felt builds trust, intimacy, and brings the two of you closer together.
Just listen; don’t fix unless asked
Okay, so this one is probably easier typed than done. In a very general sense, the husband is more likely to want to just solve and fix the problem rather than listen. Your spouse wants to be heard and understood. Your spouse wants to feel a sense of affirmation that the issue, or problem, is worthy of the frustration. If you will listen well. Listen all the way through. Listen to understand. Show that you understand and have listened. You will likely then gain the open door to offer possible solutions. In reality, your spouse may arrive at the solution without having to hear it from you. However, it could be that your spouse just wants to be heard and that is enough. In that case, once the issue is shared and you have shown an understanding of the problem it is time to close your mouth and call it good. Not every issue your spouse brings to you needs to be solved. If you don’t get a clear message on whether a solution is sought you could ask if your spouse would like one. Don’t offer it unless your spouse asks for how you would react, fix, or respond to it.
Listening well is the foundation of good communication in a marriage. Poor communication habits find their genesis in poor listening habits of one, or both, of the spouses. Poor communication erodes the intimate reality of your marriage covenant. Without good communication, built on solid listening to each other, you will find yourselves occupying the same space, but no real passion for each other. Don’t wait, or expect, your spouse to start listening well first. Lead the way by practicing this simple, but vital, skill in your conversations.