The Difficult Realities of Marriage – Part 5
These series of articles are looking at the difficult realities that every marriage faces. Previously, we looked at one of the most difficult realities of marriage which is the expectations surrounding sexual intimacy. Again, marriage is not all sunny days. There are seasons. Ebbs and flows. Good times and bad times. Some times are the worst of times. The goal here is not to make you think that the fairytale of marriage is a myth, or impossibility. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God has given us. It is just really, really hard work. There are difficult realities that every marriage faces. Yes, EVERY marriage faces. It is vital that you anticipate things and recognize that you have the tools to walk through these things when they show up. And they will show up. This article will build on the previous one and look at certain things sex should never be in your marriage. Consider the below as filters through which to view your own expectations before any conversation happens.
Self-centered
Perhaps it would feel a bit awkward because personal expectations are just that, your own. However, sexual intimacy in marriage is a mutual pleasurable interaction. It cannot be an all about me kind of thing. The key word is mutual in this conversation. Only pursuing what you want in sexual intimacy prevents it from being mutual. Both of you should pursue the pleasure of the other. Asserting a self-centered approach to sexual intimacy will quickly erode the intimacy itself. It will ruin trust between the two of you and lead to greater disjunction between you both. Instead, seek to have an open and ongoing conversation about it. Talk about likes and dislikes. Leave room for things to change over the years. But recognize the deep vulnerability required to make this area of marriage healthy. Both of you will need to give and take ground. It may feel very embarrassing to even have this sort of conversation. But it is worth it. Big time. Move past seeking to only fulfill your way and look for how you can create and enjoy pleasure for your spouse.
Subject
You and your spouse should have an open and ongoing conversation related to your sexual relationship. This conversation should not happen with anyone other than your spouse. No one. Ever. Never ever. Frustrations, moments, things, and anything of the sort stay between you and your spouse. They don’t need to be shared with parents, with friends, with co-workers, with the guys at the gym, or with the girls at the club. The quality and nature of your sexual relationship with your spouse should not ever be the subject of conversation with someone other than your own spouse. Don’t brag. Don’t complain. Don’t share. It really is that simple.
Withheld as Punishment
It could be stated here that sex should not be in a reward based position in your marriage. But really, the idea here is that it isn’t a pawn in some sort of manipulation game where it is withheld unless you get something you want. It is not a carrot to dangle at the end of a stick to get your way. It is not a bargaining chip of any sort. Sex is not a tool. It is a gift. Enjoy and celebrate as such. It is understandable that there are times when it is not feasible, or just can’t happen. The two of you should work together in communication to deal with those times.
About Control
In a similar fashion, your sexual relationship should not be a matter of being forced or used to control your spouse. Again, it is a mutual part in marriage built on the inherent love and respect due each other. Loving means you work together to discover what is enjoyable in the relationship and not forcing things on one another. Respecting means not withholding yourself from each other and seeking the best for the other, even in the sexual relationship. Intimacy is not a tool or pawn in your marriage. It is a gift given for your enjoyment.
Unboundaried
God has given His creation boundaries. It is an important and beautiful thing. God is Himself without boundary, yet He works within boundaries in His creation. Sexual intimacy in marriage is best practiced within boundaries. There are natural boundaries that you and your spouse agree upon together that could differ from other couples. Ultimately, within the boundary of your own marriage and what the two of you pursue for each other is up to you. However, sexual temptation is a powerful draw and something not to be taken lightly. You should establish boundaries together. No flirtatious behavior with the opposite sex. Only fantasize about your spouse. Leave pornography behind. Avoid situations that could lead to sexual temptation. Be aware and be honest with each other. Share access with each other to social media and electronic devices. Often, if you are open with each about expectations, likes, dislikes, and seek to fulfill the pleasure of the other you will find yourselves easily establishing and respecting boundaries.
Uncommon
There is no shortage of studies that will give the general overview of frequency of sex among married couples. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to frequency of occurrence. Everyone and every couple is different. Remember, there are lots of factors that impact sexual intimacy in marriage. It is up to the two of you to discover what is the best formula for you. And, over time, you will find that the formula adjusts and changes. There is something deeper than just an emotional release that takes place with sexual intimacy in marriage. It is not intended to be a rare occurrence with a married couple. There might be many legitimate reasons that it can’t happen at given times or for a given season. But it builds a deep spiritual bond for a husband and wife. As stated before, it is our and ultimate intimacy to be naked with each other and feel no shame. If things have changed and you feel things are not frequent. Take time to have the conversation. Don’t come at it in anger or making demands. Seek to understand the why. It could be an easy fix. It could require far more. But it is worth it.
Sexual intimacy in marriage can be a flashpoint for disagreement and discord. It doesn’t have to be. And it really shouldn’t be. However, it still remains as one of the difficult realities that you will both need to navigate. Expectations and communication go together like peas and carrots. And expectations that need to be communicated often revolve around sexual intimacy. With that, there things that sex should not be in marriage while there are plenty of things that it should be in marriage. Give space. Give grace. Give yourselves to each other.