Fathering Well
You know, any man can have a child. It takes a real man to be a father. A true father. Fathering is hard. Really hard. Too many men run from it even if they stick around. Too many men have grown up without real fathers even if dad was around the house. But this isn’t about not being absent. These words are for those who are wanting to father well. There is a big difference between just being around as a father and fathering well. The hope here is that you want to do it greatly. You won’t get it all right all the time. You will fail. You will mess up. But you don’t have to stop trying, or stop learning. If you truly want to start fathering well then keep reading. If you don’t, well, keep reading anyway. You just might see something you need to see.
Listen well to their thoughts
Don’t pretend to listen. Don’t think about other things. Don’t stare out the window. Don’t wish you were somewhere else. Look at your child and listen. Yes, it might be the fourteenth time they have talked about the bug that was outside. Listen and keep listening. Listening when they are young will build a foundation for them to trust that you will listen when they are older. As your kids age the times you get to listen and interact will ebb. That is why it is so important to take the time when you get it and listen well to them. Hear them. Repeat it back to clarify. Keep your mouth shut while they talk. Don’t interrupt. Listen. Hear their thoughts and dreams. Fears and anxieties. Don’t try to fix anything without permission. Listen well to them.
Allow mistakes
It isn’t that you should let mistakes just happen, or ignore them. That isn’t the point. Mistakes will happen. Try not to blow up, or overreact to them. Correct them. Help them learn from it. There might be consequences to it. Let them deal with them. The goal is to help them see that mistakes aren’t the end. There is hope beyond them. There is grace to be had. Help them see why it is a mistake. Help them process what happened and where it went wrong. It becomes the sort of mentoring that makes a man a real father.
Speak honestly
Not rudely. Coarsely. But be truthful. Be appropriate to age and all of those things. But don’t make a habit of lying about things, or making excuses. Be honest with your kids. Let them see you. Who you are. If you mess up. Tell them. Ask forgiveness and own your own mistakes. Just be an overall honest person. Speak truth with care to your kids. To your spouse. To the people around you. If you don’t know, or aren’t sure, say so. Then find the answer together. If you make a commitment to them, keep it. Be there. Things can happen that will keep you from being able to. Be honest when that happens.
Give them your “whys”
First of all, do you even know your own “whys”? What are your core values? What drives you? What are your non-negotiables? Share them with your kids. Talk about them. There is an assumption here that if you are wanting to father well then that is part of your core value system already. Your “whys” are already moving from self-focused to outwardly-focused. If you have to tell them no then tell them why you are saying it. Talk about your past experiences. What has shaped you? Talk about the big moments and things that have impacted how you think now. When you find yourself needing to discipline them, explain the why, and talk about how decisions today impact decisions in the future. You might get eye rolls an snorty derision, but it will pay off in the end.
Model the kind of person you want them to be
Do as I say not as I do parenting is despicable. Stop. Your kids will become how you act, not what you claim. Fathering well means your words and actions align with each other. No, you won’t get all correct and at time those two things will deviate. You are human. See the things above when that happens. But be the person you want your kids to be. This point is a character point, not a career point. Live with the values and character that you want to see in your kids. Again, if you are seeking to father well then you should be recognizing that parenting is about developing character, grit, and the ability to think. If your kids develop those things you are doing some things right. Raising them isn’t about making sure they have a lot of money or worldly success. Those things come and go. Who you are will live on. Be the person you want them to be.
Not many people would disagree that the world needs to see a lot of change. What that change should be composed of is the subject of plenty of debate. What the world needs is not going to be found in voting the right people into positions today, or passing the right kind of laws today. The change in the world will be wrought with the children of today being led to be the kind of people truly needed tomorrow. Fathering well looks to instill those values for the future and the need for the parents of tomorrow to do the same.