Intimacy Killers in Your Marriage
Solomon warned us that we must take care of the little foxes that can spoil the vineyard in Song of Solomon. Now, there are plenty of takes on what exactly Solomon is writing about in this particular book of the Bible. But, for the sake of this article, let’s just settle the argument. Solomon is not talking about the church, people, or some other allegorical thematic element. Solomon is talking about intimacy within the marriage relationship. Maybe he isn’t the greatest author on the subject of marital fidelity. That just shows how incredible God really is. Anyway, God cares for and designed us for a deep intimacy within a marriage relationship. Solomon is right to call out the little foxes that ruin the vineyard. The vineyard is the intimacy a husband and wife should be sharing with each other, and that doesn’t mean just the sexual relationship. That is build on the intimate relationship, but it is not THE only reality of intimacy.
To understand God’s intention for intimacy you should go back to the story of Creation in Genesis. The man and the woman were perfectly intimate with each other and with God. How is this known? Well, the Bible describe them as naked and unashamed. This description is going beyond them not wearing clothes to the idea that nothing was hidden from each other. They had no secrets, they had no hidden agendas, they had no fears, they had nothing to keep from one another. And they had no problem with it. They knew each other perfectly. And they were known perfectly by their God and they could walk freely with Him each day. When sin entered the world following their disobedience with the tree of knowledge this perfect intimacy was lost. They were naked, but now they felt shame, fear, regret. They hid themselves because their intimacy had been destroyed. This battle is still faced each day in your marriage. There are a number of intimacy killers in your marriage today. Let’s take a look at some of them.
Fear
There are a lot of things feared in life. And men are typically taught to never show fear and there is value in learning to control your feelings of fear and put them aside to take risks. But there is almost always a great fear of intimacy. Not the sexual relationship part of intimacy in marriage, but the emotional side of intimacy. There can be great fear in letting who you are, your doubts, your inabilities, your insecurities, and everything else be bared for your spouse to see. Loads of fear. But intimacy beyond sex is vital in your marriage relationship. You need to learn to share your feelings about things, about how you came to those feelings. And you must be willing to listen well when your spouse shares the same. It is scary. But what comes out of it is worth the price paid.
Pride
Honest openness with each other is vital to intimacy. You must be able to own up to your mistakes. Admit it when you are wrong. Admit that you do not know what to do, or where to go. You must be able to seek and give forgiveness. If you are all about yourself in marriage than you really aren’t in a marriage. Pride is a common tripping hazard in the path towards marital intimacy. It can cause you to hide uncomfortable things, or failures. If you can’t admit that you are ever wrong you have a serious problem. Your pride will ultimately lead to your downfall. Look at ways that your pride creeps into your relationship with your spouse. Let go of some of the fear and admit it to your spouse. Beginning to acknowledge pride will see its power over you weaken.
Distractions
Intimacy demands your attention, and the world today is filled with things to distract you. If you are staring at a mobile device all through dinner, while sitting together on the couch, or even when you are both in bed there is a problem brewing. Your intimacy is being sidetracked by distractions. Distractions can easily thrive in an environment that lacks boundaries. Doom scrolling the socials, choosing to scan through work email and group chats in bed, or grabbing your phone every time it dings with another notification are signs of an unhealthy situation of no boundaries. A lack of boundaries will pull those distractions into your intimacy and if you can’t give your attention then you can’t expect to receive attention. Learn to put the devices away. Give each other unfettered time and focus together.
Expectations
To be clear, expectations themselves are not intimacy killers. Everyone has them. You have them. Your spouse has them. They are a reality in each person’s life. Intimacy is often damaged by unexpressed, or unrealistic expectations. Anger at your unexpressed expectations not being met is like being angry that the sun appears in the east in the morning. What did you expect? Your spouse might get it right here and there, but really can’t do anything about meeting the things you don’t say anything about. If you don’t say it then you don’t have any right to be upset about it. There can also be unrealistic expectations that can harm intimacy. This list can be long and diverse and probably doesn’t match up from couple to couple. The amazing thing is that if you both are willing to communicate regarding expectations then you will find yourself fast on the way to an intimate marriage.
Apathy
If you have hit here in your intimacy there is trouble. Apathy is the apex of intimacy killers. Ceasing to care about being intimate lets all of the foxes run free in the vineyard to destroy it. You have to care about it to develop intimacy and just because you are hitting an apathetic state does not mean all is lost. But you need to make a drastic decision and make it now. Intimacy takes intentional effort. It is not a spectator sport. If you are finding yourself feeling apathy in your marriage start with yourself. Where have you allowed things to pull you away from intimacy. What can you do differently? Do not just point your finger at your spouse. It doesn’t work that way. Much like the tango, intimacy takes two. If you are feeling apathy it is because you are the one drifting away. Make the effort to examine your efforts to build intimacy with your spouse. Make the changes in your own actions first.
Intimacy is not built or lost in a day, or by one action. Intimacy is the intentional effort to show your whole self to your spouse in a trusting love. It doesn’t just happen. It takes work and time. If you just live as semi-partners in the same house it won’t develop. In time, as you make the effort, you will find yourselves experiencing true and full emotional intimacy with each other. And that will make the physical part of intimacy even better.