Pastors: Learn to Lament
Grieving is a vital part of your spiritual health. It is so virtual that God included an entire book in the Old Testament called Lamentations. Lament was an important part of the culture. Lamentations records the sorrow and grief experienced over the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonian empire in the 6th century BC. Lamentations gives a dark and difficult picture into the utter destruction of the city as Babylon took them into captivity. Lament, or the true expression of grief and sorrow, seems to be a missing component in our lives today. And grief is not necessarily from the loss of a loved one, or death of a friend. Grief and sorrow show up in all sorts of ways through changes, unexpected events, and various types of loss. As a pastor, grief can come in many additional ways, such as a long term member of the church leaving, or criticism from people. Ungrieved sorrow develops an unhealthy pattern in life that leads to self-destruction. For a pastor, that might only be an internal destruction, but the Bible tells us that what is hidden in the dark insides of our lives will eventually come to light. You might hide it, but it won’t stay hidden forever.
Causes of Grief
Grief can be a sneaky thing. You know the big ones. Death in the family. Fired at work. Divorce. But grief doesn’t just appear in the big things. Grief comes into life through lots of channels and can often show up in unexpected ways. It can be very difficult to navigate and identify. A pastor can face all sorts of additional avenues for grief to show up in life. Here are some of the sources of grief:
Loss of a spouse, or family member
Job loss, or change, or not getting a desired job
Fractured relationship
Betrayal by a spouse, friend, or family member
Abuse
Unmet expectations
Struggling child
The above are not exhaustive but represent issues faced by everyone. Pastors face unique things that can cause grief not experienced by others:
Criticism from church members
Long-term members leaving
Failure to make budget
Lack of attendance at church/bible study
Lack of friendships, especially close friendships
Stagnation; Lack of personal growth
Failure
A pastor faces all sorts of additional sources of grief as they navigate the world of not just their church, but the denomination as a whole. What pastor hasn’t wrestled with why the church across town is baptizing so many more people than their own?
The Risk of Unexpressed Grief
The choice to leave grief unresolved and ignored carries consequences that will extend far beyond just yourself. Grief, even in small amounts, doesn’t simply go away in life. It sticks around and unleashes havoc on every facet of your well-being. The physical impact will lead to higher blood pressure, sleepless nights, and a weakened immune system. On an emotional side it will lead to anxiety, depression, and your cognitive function will be impaired. In turn it will create disconnects for you from relationships, family, and even God. Eventually everything will just be going through the motions without any substance, or actual love. All of your peace, joy, and stability will fade away. You will be left an empty shell, hollow and purposeless. There won’t be anything left.
Expressing Grief Healthily
Grief is not weakness, or something to be overcome. It is a necessary process in human existence that will help you understand and grow deeper in your spiritual journey. Here are a few ideas/steps on how to express grief as a pastor.
Share your emotions/thoughts honestly with someone you trust - it isn’t easy to establish trust as a pastor, but it is paramount. Someone, preferably outside your congregation should be in your life that you can talk with openly. And that person should be able to tell you honest truths about yourself even if they hurt. This person is likely not your spouse, but you should still work to have an intimacy with your spouse that would allow you to talk openly as well. A true friend in your life is invaluable, and not just in times of sorrow.
Recognize a new normal - life is not going to be the same, especially if your grief involves the loss of a loved one, or a close relationship. Things won’t be the same. When dealing with the death of a loved one you are going to have a full year of “firsts” ahead of you. The first anniversary. The first Christmas. The first birthday. All of these will be without. It is a new normal. It isn’t that you have returned to what you were, but that you are experiencing life with a new reality and that is okay. It is a part of the process.
Seek professional help as needed - the fact is that sometimes you need to talk to a professional. A counselor can help you process the emotions and feelings of grief. It is a show of strength to recognize your need to talk with a counselor about what is happening in your life.
Many voices in the life of a pastor say that he shouldn’t show emotion, grief, or sorrow. But these things are a real part of life and a pastor is not immune to them. Many a pastoral career has been sidelined because of failure to deal with grief. Don’t add yourself to the stats.