How to Disagree Well

Communication is difficult even with everyone being on the same page. But there is a big difference between everyone actually being on the same page and fear of disagreement causing everyone to act like they are on the same page. Disagreement can be and is highly constructive for a team. Healthy disagreement can help spur creative solutions, prevent big time mistakes, and push better decision-making across the board. Too often, disagreement is seen as disloyalty, or destructive to the team. And done wrongly it can certainly harm the spirit of the team. It can easily escalate into something far more and unintended. There is a way to disagree well when you find yourself in an environment that fosters healthy conflict. It can be scary at first, but when done well it will make everyone better. Here is how you can disagree in a healthy way.

Seek Understanding

As Ted Lasso would tell you, “ Walt Whitman said, ‘Be curious.’” Curiosity takes genuine interest in understanding the other person. Seek to understand. Try to clarify. Begin with asking to make sure you understand what is being shared. Ask why they think that way. Maybe ask that they give the background for why they have some to that conclusion. Seek to hear what factors they considered in coming to their conclusion. You don’t have to water down your own thoughts, or just give in. Give full attention to their reasoning and ask follow up questions. Acknowledge that you are seeing things differently, but signal that you want to learn their thoughts behind their opinion. You don’t lose anything by seeking understanding. What you gain is the chance to share your thoughts without conflict. At least, hopefully. You don’t have any control over the response of the other person. But seeking to understand first is a great way to minimize the possibility of a negative reaction.

Acknowledge Merits

Give credit where it is due. Don’t just attack the small part of the idea that you think won’t work. Take time to acknowledge the areas that make sense, you agree with, or that you know will work. Believe it or not, people other than you have some pretty darn good ideas. Don’t be so full of yourself that you seek to sink everyone else’s ideas simply because they aren’t yours. Maybe the idea is 80% thought through and good to go. Don’t be a jerk over the 20%. Recognize the merit of the 80 and seek to help bring the rest of it into line. It might be that you can help with 10 out of the 20 and because of your willingness to speak up in a healthy way the rest of team fills in the remainder. The point is, don’t just criticize. First, take time to recognize all the good parts of the idea. That will allow for a better discussion of how to solve the areas that need help.

Share Common Ground

The world, or maybe just the United States, is far too focused on what is different about us than what is the same. The reality is that we all have far more in common when it comes to goals, ideas, and thoughts than might be thought. To disagree well, share the area where you have common ground. Share how you agree and support the idea. Sharing these things will disarm defensiveness that might arise in your teammate. You are showing that you want to work together rather than against things.

Be Humble

Humility is a lost art. Very lost. Frame how you disagree with acknowledgement that it is your view, and that doesn’t immediately mean it is correct. Be okay with and prepared to find out that you are wrong in your thinking. Don’t presume that just because you think it then it must be correct. Accept any criticism and refrain from getting defensive about it. Maintain basic civility in the discussion. Admit where you could be off track and work together to put everything on the right track. Humility isn’t thinking less of your ideas, beliefs, and experiences. Nor is it devaluing yourself. Humility is recognizing your own limitations and giving credit where it is due. It sees the way all parts of the team come together to make things happen.

Give Your Whys

Be willing to share the reasons for your thinking. What is the basis? What personal experiences play into your thoughts? Why is that you believe this particular direction is right? It can’t just be data. Your interpretation of that data is driven by something. Be willing to share the foundation of your thinking. It builds trust and will help things move forward.

Every team needs to have disagreement for forward movement. Disagreement is not the enemy. Unhealthy and bad disagreement certainly can be though. The only thing worse is no disagreement at all. Recognizing and implementing these tools will help be a positive force in disagreement that helps create a healthy culture amongst your team.