The Difficult Realities of Marriage: Part 8
These series of articles are looking at the difficult realities that every marriage faces. Over the past several articles we have looked at in-laws, money, communication, expectations, and sexual intimacy. Seems like those last three issues are regularly intertwined in marriage. And their entanglement often creates difficult realities that must be navigated. Again, marriage is not all sunny days. There are seasons. Ebbs and flows. Good times and bad times. Some times are the worst of times. The goal here is not to make you think that the fairytale of marriage is a myth, or impossibility. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God has given us. It is just really, really hard work. There are difficult realities that every marriage faces. Yes, EVERY marriage faces. It is vital that you anticipate things and recognize that you have the tools to walk through these things when they show up. And they will show up. In the previous article we looked at the inevitable disagreements that will take place in marriage. Much of this journey has been a bit of a long and windy path with a lot of information, and a lot of thought-provoking material. The goal isn’t to solve it all for you but to help you build the tools needed to navigate these difficult realities. This article will look at the difficult reality of drift. Drift rears its head in many ways and many forms in the context of marriage. Drift is inevitable. Drift happens when two people get distracted and lose the intentionality of developing intimacy. A lot of things create distractions. Things like stress from jobs, children, maturing, and general life changes. It would be challenging to claim that drift can be avoided, or prevented. It is going to happen. The real difficult reality is how will you respond when you recognize that drift is occurring, or has already occurred?
What is Drift?
Drift is the steady movement, beginning in the emotions, away from your spouse. It is the culmination of failing to deal with the various difficult realities discussed over the course of these articles. Emotional drift will eventually become physical drift. As much as you may not want it to happen. It will. But simple drift won’t destroy your marriage. Ignored drift will. Ignoring drift, or failing to deal with things that are real within your relationship, leads to disconnection. Suddenly the two of you will feel distance from each other. You are not on the same page anymore, or you stop trying to be on the same page. Disconnection will lead to distraction. You become easily distracted by things that seem more fulfilling than your marital relationship. You spend more time towards those things above your spouse. Distraction will eventually give way to deception. You find yourself not being honest anymore about where you were, or what you were doing. Or who you are with. Deception isn’t purely something you do to your spouse. You also lie to yourself about what you are doing. You turn yourself into the victim in the whole scenario. Finally, drift that is taken through to the very end leads to death. It is the death of intimacy. It has been traded for temporary things, people, or experiences. Sadly, many people remain married. They never admit or realize that their marriage is dead. They settle and live void of intimacy. It doesn’t have to be that way. Ever.
Ebbs and Flows
Sadly, the honeymoon just doesn’t last forever. It really doesn’t even last a year. Sometimes not even a month. Marriages have lulls. But they also have breath-taking excitement. That is the reality of ebbs and flows. The ebbs are caused by drift. The flows are caused by how you respond to drift. Your marriage is going to face difficult situations and realities. That is a part of life. Adulting is challenging. Adulting in marriage together is even more challenging. And there is nothing like it in the world. So, how do you navigate these strange tides as they come and go in your life?
Where do you align rather than disagree?
Too often the focus is on where you disagree rather than agree. Why not start with how the two of you already align with each other? Yes, the disagreement might be large and a big deal. But looking at all the other areas first in which you are together can help build a foundation on which to compromise on the other.
Am I seeking my own will, or the best for us?
Self-centeredness lies at the heart of all friction, discord, and sin. Being self-centered in your marriage will push drift faster and farther. When you find yourself in the midst of difficulty, ask yourself whether you are trying to have things your own way. Or, are you seeking what is best for the both of you in the long-term? There are times that seeking the best for the two of you means engaging healthily in conflict to bring an issue to light. It should be in love and not about you.
How can I love and respect my spouse better?
In the midst of this difficulty, how can you be a better spouse? Looking inwardly before blaming outwardly is vital. Are you holding a grudge over a past issue, or disagreement? Are you trying to make your spouse an “idealized” version that is impossible to attain? Are you making your spouse responsible for your own joy, satisfaction, and comfort? Above all other things, love each other well. The model for your love is Christ Himself and His self-sacrifice on the cross.
These articles have been a long journey. Thank you for hanging in there with all of them. Every marriage is going to have its ups and downs. No marriage is immune to difficulty. Intimacy is built, or destroyed, in how the two of you respond to these difficulties together. Not every reality that may come up has been addressed through this series, however, what has been addressed are the most common things that you will find yourselves walking through. As you walk forward together in marriage the prayer is that you will have found the necessary tools in these articles to help you deal with those realities well. It will be that at the end of your lives together you will be able to look back and see that you have had a true and full marriage.