The Difficult Realities of Marriage: Part 7
These series of articles are looking at the difficult realities that every marriage faces. Over the past several articles we have looked at money, communication, expectations, and sexual intimacy. Seems like those last three issues are regularly intertwined in marriage. And their entanglement often creates difficult realities that must be navigated. Again, marriage is not all sunny days. There are seasons. Ebbs and flows. Good times and bad times. Some times are the worst of times. The goal here is not to make you think that the fairytale of marriage is a myth, or impossibility. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God has given us. It is just really really hard work. There are difficult realities that every marriage faces. Yes, EVERY marriage faces. It is vital that you anticipate things and recognize that you have the tools to walk through these things when they show up. And they will show up. In the previous article we looked at the inevitable disagreements that will take place in marriage. Much of this journey has been a bit of a long and windy path with a lot of information, and a lot of thought-provoking material. The goal isn’t to solve it all for you but to help you build the tools needed to navigate these difficult realities. This article looks at the dreaded in-law issue. The issue of in-laws isn’t one limited specifically to the parents of your spouse, but the entire family. There is the possibility of grandparents, uncles, aunts, siblings, and more. At marriage, two people leave their families to unite into one family. But, in a way, two different families also unite to become one as well. And that makes all sorts of room for friction.
The goal of this article is to look at in-laws from the perspective of the married couple relating to the other side. Becoming the in-laws yourself is actually the subject of a separate article from a little bit ago: Welcome to the Family
The Elephant in the Room
However you want to spin it, things change once marriage is involved. It is hard to grab the right metaphor to explain. Something changes after the “I dos.” You aren’t the same anymore. You are no longer a prospective family member. Now you ARE a family member. Maybe once that happens everyone decides to let the crazy finally show. Who knows. But things are different now. And you need to be upfront about things being different now. Because they are. Or, at least, they should be. In marriage both you and your spouse leave your current families and unite into a new family. You leave and cleave to each other. It might be that your family just assumes you will both just join into their plans and traditions. Or, perhaps it is your spouse’s family that presumes that. This territory is incredibly tenuous for the two of you to negotiate and it won’t be easy. But it all starts with recognizing and acknowledging the “elephant in the room.” And that elephant is that things won’t just be the same anymore. Some things will have to change. When children come into the mix things will change again. This place is not one to assert your own preference at all. You will both have to work together through communication to decide how you will handle things. And there will be a number of things that have to be figured out and decided. As you both grow together more things will come into play. It all starts with recognizing that things are different and that is okay for them to be different.
Boundaries
It all probably begins and ends with boundaries. Boundaries are the limits that you place within your lives, your own personal life, and on those outside of you in their interaction with you. In the case of in-laws, boundaries are those limits that pertain to what they can and cannot do, what they can and cannot say, and what they can and cannot expect. This conversation will suck. Royally. But boundaries are absolutely necessary for your marriage as it relates to in-laws. The two of you need to have understood lines that should not be crossed. You both need to have boundaries. And you both need to know what each other’s boundaries are. You also need to be willing to recognize that your boundaries might be too extreme, or unfair. Might also not be extreme enough. Have talks about whether you would borrow money from one of your parents, can anyone just come over, how often do you all see each other, and so many other topics. The point is to have the conversations and agree upon some basic boundary rules. Then stick to them.
Holidays/Traditions
Holidays and family traditions are a fast area for conflict and misunderstanding to develop. How will you celebrate certain holidays? What family will you be with and when? Are you hosting the holiday? What about family traditions? How will you take part, or will you still take part? What about starting your own traditions? When children come into the picture these things will become bigger and bigger deals. Taking time to establish an expectation early will help things in the future. One great question to settle together early is how long of a visit is too long? If you are coming from out of town to spend a holiday with one side or the other, then how many days is enough? You typically don’t realize you spent too many days until you have already done it.
Conflict
It is highly likely it will happen. Mainly because conflict is a natural part of life and doesn’t have to be negative. Conflict happens. When it does happen here are some ground rules to help.
Defend Your Spouse - You two are the team now. Support and defend each other. If you think your spouse was wrong, have that conversation in private together.
Don’t Listen to Complaining - If your parent/s has an issue with your spouse then point them to have the conversation with your spouse, not just you. Offer to be there as well. You can use the same rule for siblings and even your own spouse towards your family members. Complaining about someone without actually speaking to the person does nothing.
Love Them - If you grew up with siblings there is a strong chance that you had times where you loved them but didn’t totally like them all that much. Even if you are not the biggest fan of your in-laws, love them. Extend grace. As far as you can be at peace with them. Believe the best.
Unfortunately, there are some difficult situations that will feel next to impossible to overcome. It is hard to negotiate conflict if the other person refuses to acknowledge truth, or recognize that they could be wrong. For the vast majority of conflicts the ground rules above will help the situation.
Marriage has plenty of realities to navigate. Figuring out the in-law dynamic is a very common challenge for married couples. You don’t have to look far for strained relationships when it comes to in-laws. It doesn’t have to be that way. Be strong in your communication with each other and seek the best for everyone.