Four Types of Communication in Marriage
It’s no surprise that a large majority of marriages that end in divorce point to communication as the primary reason and cause. Communication is vital to the success of anything in life, work, and marriage. Failure to communicate, and really it is a failure to learn to communicate, in marriage creates a schism between the husband and wife that is not impossible to traverse, but requires intentional effort and growth from both sides. Too often, a young couple walking into marriage has not been taught the tools of communication before they enter into their new blissful life.
Married couples don’t typically walk into the relationship intending to break down in their ability to relate to each other through communication. However, as the lower levels of talking failed to give way to a higher functioning level of communication, their relationship deteriorated. Eventually, all was lost and given up. Without communication, a marriage ceases to be real and it nurtures nobody.
There are four types of interactions that must exist within a marriage relationship. Each plays a vital role in the relationship functioning at a high level.
Small/Informal Communication
This type of communication is the most simple and, at times, easiest of the types. It is our natural form of communication. It is a rundown of the day. Here is what happened. How was your day? It is the simple connection between spouses and doesn’t require much in the way of skill, or emotion. When kids enter into the picture this communication adds what is going on with them. How was their day at school? What is new? Who does he like now? Who is she mad at now?
Organizational Meetings
This type moves beyond the small talk into an action oriented discussion. A regular budget meeting to talk through upcoming expenses, routines, to-do lists and the like. These are things beyond the small. Maybe you have a spending limit that says “above this amount we have to talk and agree about it.” Not every decision needs an organizational meeting. But they are needed to ensure balls are not dropped and can be incredibly helpful to a relationship.
Challenging Conversations
You have to have them. You need to have them. These conversations surround troubles. They can be small, such as there is a repair needed. They can be large, like a hurt or disappointment. They involve fears, anger, grief and confusion. These talks push us to grow and mature. They expose blind spots in our lives and can lead us to make important changes. They can be emotionally driven. They require grace and forgiveness. They should make us better instead of tearing us down.
Intimate Conversations
The previous three are reactive talks driven by events and needs. An intimate conversation is proactive. It looks forward instead of to the past. These talks unpack hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities. Ask your spouse a question you’ve not asked before. Kids, work, and problems are not allowed in these talks. Seek to know your spouse better and deeper. It strengthens the bond of your relationship. The two of you are changing and maturing. Make the time to learn about those things. It is important to note that an intimate conversation shouldn’t, and really can’t, take place through a phone, smart or dumb. An intimate conversation should be face to face. Together.
The intentional practice of these four types of communication don’t guarantee an easy road, or the perfect marriage. They do build a solid foundation on which a great marriage is built. Give yourselves grace as you work at these types. It won’t become natural in a day. It takes time and effort. Both of you bring your past baggage and how communication was modeled for you into your own marriage. That needs to be a part of the intimate conversation type early on. There are likely cycles that may need to be addressed and broken. There are false beliefs and issues. One of you will probably be an internal processor that has to think quietly about the conversation in order to know what to think about it all. The other is likely one that will push and push to talk about all of it right then. You won’t agree. It is okay. Take time to work through it together. Be honest. A great marriage is built over the years together and the years together will be spent learning to communicate to each other.